


for him.

by ParzivaI



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heartbreak, I'm Sorry, M/M, Self-Reflection, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:14:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23337445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ParzivaI/pseuds/ParzivaI
Summary: Tsukishima reflecting on his years of highschool. Where he went wrong, what chances he missed and what he had lost.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 5
Kudos: 41





	for him.

Tsukishima woke up to the sound of his alarm ringing. 5.30 am. Who in their right mind would ever want to get up this early anyway? As everyday he contemplated staying in bed and skipping practise but decided against it. With a loud sigh he stood up. Still yawning he made his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth before putting on his school uniform. One unbothered look in the mirror, he let his hand raze through his hair. It's been quite a while since he's gotten his hair cut but he actually liked the way his almost curly hair fell into his face to cover his forehead. 

He put on his contacts - he despised wearing lences but it made things such as volleyball a lot easier. Plus he was told that he looked good without glasses. Normally he couldn't care less about something like a mere compliment but it was a compliment from _him_.

Despite wearing contacts for almost a year now, his eyes teared up again and he needed a couple of second to get used to the feeling. He dragged himself down to the living room. It was still early and neither his mom nor his brother were up.

Tsukishima hated breakfast. He could barely eat something in the morning but he learned from his previous mistakes of going to volleyball training with an empty stomach. So he got himself a bowl of cereal, that he emptied without even tasting much of it. Another look at his watch: 5.45 am. Great, he had enough time to make some coffee. Since when did he become so addicted to coffee in the first place? Pressing the power button he internally blessed his mom for getting new coffee brewer. He quickly packed the lunchbox his mother prepared him in his bag while waiting for the coffee brewer to run up.

For a spring day it was pretty warm so Tsukishima settled for his white sneakers instead of boots and a thin black waistcoat. Flicking his bag over his shoulder Tsukishima grabbed his coffee and made his way outside. It was a lot chillier than he imagined it to be. He already regret his choice of clothes. Good thing the coffee in his hands was still brewing hot. Tsukishima knew he was way too early again but he didn't want the other boy wait. He leaned against the cold wall of his house. For a moment only he closed his eyes to let his mind roam. His thoughts where leading to _him_ again and he could do nothing against it.

* * *

Tsukishima didn't even remember when they became friends. That day at the park where they first met, when Tsukishima helped him out against these bullies, it was still kind a blurry in his mind. But those eyes full of admiration and honesty; he couldn't forget those.

Yamaguchi Tadashi was different.

And when they met again, shortly after that, Tsukishima found himself not beeing annoyed by the other boy at all. The way Yamaguchi looked at him, those bright eyes and the way he got all hyped up when Tsukishima talked.

Truth be told it was the first time someone other than his brother or mom complimented him. He would've been lying if he said all the praise the other boy gave him didn't make his heart jump faster.

He always felt a kind of special connection between him and Yamaguchi. Maybe because Yamaguchi was the first friend he ever had. He was the first person who didn't pull away from him despite acting like an asshole most of the time. At first Tsukishima thought that the shy boy was only cowering behind his back, using him to be safe from all those kids bullying him in middle school. But it was more than that.

Tsukishima didn't ever think so far of actually liking Yamaguchi or anything. He didn't understand why his heart jumped harder when hearing his voice or how his cheeks turned all red when the other boy complimented him. He didn't know to deal with these emotions he wasn't used to. So instead of acting on them he shut them down. And maybe that was a mistake.

Tsukishima was sure, that they were to part after middle school. He wanted to attend Karasuno. Not because of the volleyball club or anything like that. Truth be told he didn't care much about that. The school was simply close to his home and had a reputation for not beeing to hard to get through. Yamaguchi's parents wanted him to attend another school to get him the best graduation possible. He's always been quite smart and had no problem studying for good grades. Unlike Tsukishima who just cared about passing classes the most efficient way possible. So Tsukishima went to Karasuno and - despite his parents beeing against it - Yamaguchi followed.

From there on Tsukishima felt himself getting left behind. He never made an effort for anything in his life. He wouldn't be playing volleyball if it wasn't for him. Yamaguchi was the one stepping forward, persuading Tsukishima to join the club. He was the one making friends in school while Tsukishima could just glare at anyone who dared to approach him. It was not easy for him to get together with other people. That's why it hurt even more to see his best friend finding new people and slowly drifting away from him.

Tsukishima didn't know what to do and instead of finding out, he did nothing. It was their first training camp in Tokyo when Yamaguchi confronted him. At first it was just about volleyball. It was a drag talking about that but it was the first step. Yamaguchi waited for him after his extra training with the other players. And for the first time in a while, they talked. About their friendship, about themselves and what has happened between them to drift apart like that. After that everything felt better. Tsukishima felt relieved. He pulled the other boy into a deep hug. Yamaguchi was taken off guard but his hands immediately dug into the fabric of the blondes shirt, pulling him even closer. A single tear ran down Tsukishima's cheek, unseen by the other boy.

_Fuck he was so goddamn uncool._

He didn't tell his friend about his true feelings. The kind of feelings he had to swallow everytime he saw the smaller boy smiled. He hated himself for being such a coward but was simply too afraid of destroying their friendship especially after they had finally made up.

And if there ever was a time where he had a chance and things where mutual, it was over now. He waited for too long.

Tsukishima exhaled. He took a sip from his coffee and dragged himself away from his house towards the street where he was awaiting the other boy to join him.

Like everyday they met up at his house to go to school together. Since last year he would always take her with him. At first Tsukishima wasn't sure, what it meant. To him they've always seem like close friends... Nothing more, just friends. He clinged onto that desperate thought until Yamaguchi started seeing her more often. They were spending all their time together, he was holding her hand, she laughed at all his jokes, he blushed when seeing her smile. He kissed her.

_This should be me._

He knew he was wrong. So he tried hating her but couldn't. Tsukishima knew it was her, who asked him out. They always had a connection. It would have been so easy to just channel all his wrath and anger against her. But in the end he was simply angry at himself. 

Because she had the guts to do what he was too afraid of. This time around, he couldn't put the blame on anyone else. It was fully his fault. 

Apart of that, she had everything a boy could ever dream of. Nice blonde hair, beautiful eyes, an honest laugh. All the boys turned around when she walked through the hallway and Tsukishima would bet that the whole volleyball team was jealous of Yamaguchi for getting together with their manager. 

Even after a year it still hurt him seeing them together. He knew it was not his right to feel that way. Especially since he never opened up about his feelings in the first place. 

Most importantly though, Tsukishima knew how happy they were together. With her, Yamaguchi smiled a bit wider, he stood taller, his eyes shining brighter. 

_Maybe she deserves him... Because I definetly don't._

He hated himself for not beeing the one who could make Yamaguchi feel that way. On the other side, all he wanted was for the other boy to be happy. 

And he's happier with her... Tsukishima could accept that, right? 

Since the start of this year Yamaguchi wore his hair in a sloppy bun. The rest of his strains were falling into his face. Not that he would ever tell him but it made the boy look even more handsome. He has grown (he was still smaller than Tsukishima tough) and his rather sly body became more muscular due to the intense training they were put under in the volleyball team. In the spawn of nearly three years the pinch server managed to get even more attractive in the eyes of his best friend. 

He spotted Tsukishima, his eyes widened and he put on the smile, that never failed to make the blonde boy's heart jump faster. 

'Hey Tsukki!'

Yamaguchi's cheerful voice immediately cleared all the doubts in his mind, washing through his storm of thoughts. 

Even if it felt like his heart beeing ripped apart every time he had to see them. Even if it meant putting on the same indifferent mask, to cover all the emotions deep inside him. Even if it meant, breaking down on his own thoughts. 

He would do it all, for him. 

They approached him, their hands intertwined. As everyday it felt like another arrow piercing through his heart. 

And it was hard, it was so damn hard but he managed to put on his most honest smile and joined them. 

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't expect my rather spontaneous headcanon to get this angsty lol. I'm really sorry for that but I hope you enjoyed it anyways.  
> Please do tell me what you think about it!


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